Walking into a gym for the first time can be as nerve wracking and disgusting as walking into the Red Wedding midway through and asking Walder Frey for another cup of ale, only to realise what’s actually going on.
Whether it’s the grunting gorillas or the dolled up divas, finding your place in the iron colosseum can dissuade many a person from even starting.
Fear not though, I have compiled ten sure fire way to fit in to any gym. All you need do is follow these to the tee and you’ll be pirouetting your way through the gym in no time.
1. Never drink any water.
You’re trying to turn into a vascular beast whose arms could be mistaken for road maps on the way to Shredsville.
Water bloats you and makes your body look soft and weak. Water is the enemy! Stay away from it at all costs.
2. Find the biggest, strongest guy and follow him around.
Walk straight up to that big, burly 150-kilogram guy about to Squat more weight than you move in an entire week and ask him what muscle that works.
He’ll immediately stop what he’s doing to help you.
The gym is all about caring and sharing, he’ll relish the opportunity to pass on his wisdom, even if it means he needs to stop his workout.
3. Always curl in front of the dumbbell rack.
How else are those biceps going to grow? Curling in front of the mirror ensures you’re working the right muscles. If you were standing, say, three feet back, how would you be able to see yourself exercising…
… You may as well just stay home.
Also, don’t forget to swing that back and tense the quads whilst curling- this turns the humble bicep curl into a quad builder as well.
*Useful note* When performing Shoulder exercises as well, the same rule applies.
4. Occupy more than one machine at a time.
So what if it’s peak hour and you don’t really NEED those two squat racks and the pair of 30kg dumbbells.
You may use them at some point of your forty-five minute workout. Keep them just in case; you don’t want to miss out on the possibility of a pump.
5. Never re-rack your weights.
Re-racking your weights takes approximately 2-5 minutes. That’s 2-5 minutes you could spend pumping more iron.
This one’s a no-brainer!
6. Wear tracksuit pants, regardless of weather.
Monday should be chest and triceps. Tuesday is back and biceps. Thursday is shoulders and abs. Saturday is chest day again.
Wearing tracksuit pants to gym ensures you’ll never have to do legs ever again, which means you can spend more time working the muscles that matter- the upper body ones.
7. Carry Tupperware EVERYWHERE, even on the gym floor.
Not eating is catabolic.
Working out is catabolic.
Therefore, eating whilst working out is anabolic.
If you aren’t eating a 1kg tub of peanut butter, or two chicken breasts and a sweet potato, every work out, between sets, you’re doing something wrong.
8. Before attempting a lift, always screen out ‘lightweight’ or ‘ain’t nothing but a peanut’.
It worked for Ronnie Coleman, it’ll work for you.
9. Drop your weights.
Scientifically speaking, dropping weights, regardless of the weight, makes the exercise 200% more anabolic.
But never put them away. Refer to rule 5.
10. Tell everyone you’re on the juice, even though you aren’t.
Perception is the most important thing in the gym. You may not BE big, but, by telling people you’re juicing, they’ll at least THINK you’re big.
And what people think is infinitely more important.
Starting to exercise is difficult, and finding your place in the gym is even harder but, if you follow these ten quick tips you’ll rule the roost sooner than you know!