10 More Rules for Gym Goers

After the popularity of the last list, I couldn’t help but add another 10 ways you can get the best out of your gym experience.

Really, this is a great public service I’m providing.

Someone should give me a medal, or something.

1. Train in packs 

Animals hunt in packs or risk dying of starvation. Worst-case scenario, they become prey for another animal smart enough to hunt in a pack.

Are you stupid? Do you want your muscles to die?

Imagine how intimidating it is when four fifteen-year-old boys all approach a jacked bro and ask him, “how many more sets?”.

Don’t be left out in the cold, allowing your muscles to die a cold, shivering death; train in packs.

2. Use your mobile phone

It’s catabolic not to consistently update your Facebook status as you workout. Not Instagraming your pump is just stupid, I mean, why else would you workout if not to show people in real time?

And those phone calls that just have to be taken now? Take them and make other’s wait. If they wanted the machine you’re on, they should’ve beaten you to it.

3. Wear a jumper with the hood pulled on.

Wearing a hoodie confuses your muscles.

It’s a well-known fact that muscle confusion is the holy grail of growth. Therefore, wearing a hoodie means you’ll stimulate more muscle growth.

4. Eat during your workout.

Peanut butter should be your food of choice and consume 1 tablespoon between each set. This will not only hold off catabolism but also leave a really nice taste in your mouth.

5. Vomit in the squat rack.

As soon as you get to the gym, sprint for the squat rack.

Once there, proceed to vomit all over it. Similar to the way a dog urinates on a tree, claiming it as his own, this shows the rest of the gym that (a) the Squat Rack is now yours and (b) that you train hard.

After all, if you aren’t vomiting you aren’t training hard enough- so what’s more hard-core than throwing up BEFORE your workout?

N.B. Even if you don’t use the Squat Rack, I’d recommend still doing this to ensure the other gym members know whose boss.

6. Perform walking exercises in your gyms main walkway.

Performing Farmers Walks, Walking Lunges or any other walking exercise in your gyms main corridor.

Referring back to reason three, having to dodge everyone who is using the corridor for it’s main purpose- walking to and from the weights room- confuses your muscles, stimulating extra growth.

7. Hit on every female in the gym.

Gyms are like the wild and you’re the alpha primate.

When you exercise you become drenched in sweat. Sweat creates pheromones. Pheromones attract women.

Women will love you interrupting their workout to offer to ‘spot’ them or correct their ‘form’ and it isn’t uncommon for them to take you right there and then.

If they don’t, try offering them some of your peanut butter.

8. Exercise uncomfortably close to other people.

Some people advocate standing an arm’s length away from the next person.

Nonsense.

Stand no more than half an arms length away from the complete stranger performing a max effort exercise.

This will intimidate him, or her, and you’ll instantly start emitting more pheromones, helping you to pick up the ladies.

9. Get a pump or your workout is a waste of time.

What? You don’t have chest pump at this very moment?

What are you doing then? Drop and do 100 push-ups!

10. If wearing Skins, never wear anything over them.

Not only will this help with #7, hitting on the ladies, but it will also ensure that people know you train your legs.

This is one other way to actually avoid training legs, whilst making it look like you do.

Wearing shorts over your skins will hid the precious muscle definition you’re trying to squeeze out with those tight lycra leggings.

There we have it, 10 more ways for you to get the best out of every workout. Now, where’s my damn medal?

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